Overcoming denial
Overcoming a drinker’s denial that they have an alcohol problem is often the most difficult barrier to cross on the road to a successful outcome. If the drinker can admit they have a problem, they can be helped and supported. If they can’t, there is very little anyone can do for them and the outcome is bleak.
Denial is extremely common:
The World Health Organisation classifies various medical conditions according to sets of symptoms. Meningitis, for example, is recognised by symptoms of high temperature, headache, stiff neck, aversion to bright lights. According to the World Health Organisation, one of the DEFINING SYMPTOMS of what they call Alcohol Dependency Syndrome is DENIAL.
Understanding denial is difficult for the person who does not have a problem. Problem drinkers usually feel guilty about their drinking and quite often try to hide the evidence. (Rather like the child who is smoking behind the bike shed at school.) They enjoy the sensation and the euphoria (at least in the short-term) but don’t want to be caught and ‘punished’. They tend to be frightened of their lack of control over their drinking and over their lives. If they can maintain the illusion that they don’t have a problem they don’t need to feel the fear or strive to change their behaviour. Perhaps the biggest fear that haunts them, deep down, is that if they try to change they might fail …. and what then?
Whilst we at apas believe that the attempt is well worth while, we cannot over-emphasise the fact that the responsibility for recognising that the drinking is causing problems remains with the drinker.
It takes an enormous amount of courage to admit that one’s drinking has got out of control and is causing risk and problems to the self and others. It may be that the person you are dealing with just has not reached that point.
In a study carried out a few years ago, men and women who had previously been dependent drinkers and were now permanently sober were asked if there was anything anyone could have said to them whilst they were drinking that would have made them change their behaviour. Over ninety per cent of them said no, there was nothing anyone could have said that would have convinced them that they had a problem or needed to change.
On the other hand, retrospective thinking is notoriously unreliable. Drinkers who do decide to change invariably cite pressure from family, colleagues or friends as a significant factor.
Our advice is to present the drinker with the evidence. If he or she cannot yet see the truth do not give up heart. One day they may gain the courage and insight to do so. You have done your best and have nothing to reproach yourself with.
Meanwhile look to yourself. You deserve a happy and fulfilled life whatever the outcome for the drinker. Why not give apas a ring and take advantage of our confidential counselling service. It often helps to talk over events, feelings and options with someone who is not directly involved and who has some experience of what you are going through.
apas offer individual support and/or group work to family members affected by someone’s drinking. Please contact us for details.
Above all, despite all the stress, tension and unhappiness that this person’s drinking is causing you, try to look after yourself! Don’t allow the drinker to make you feel guilty. The problem is their responsibility, not yours.